Living Authentically



So, where to begin? Last year, I shared with you about the decision to divorce. We went back and forth for months but finally decided it was right, on our 10 year anniversary. Once we left our "church", a whole world of pain and possibilities and regrets opened up into our world. We realized our entire lives were based on a cultish lie and that really does something painful to a person's mindset. We thought we were strong enough to withstand it. But life has a funny way of sweeping you away and forcing you to look straight at the problems, which was especially hard for my husband who ended up going through an early mid-life crisis. It became this unhealthy, traumatic thing that could no longer continue as it unraveled layers of pain. It was a year of immense tragedy. So, it had to end, so that we could both find healing. We both deserve healing.

Trying to figure it out, as a new single mom of 3, how to support my family, how to gain control. Being a stay at home mom for the majority of my adult life gave very little hope of earning potential to do this. I worked three jobs at one point just to be able to move out of my house. I drowned sorrow in the horrific world of dating. We had just moved across the country with zero support system or network in the area and it seemed that was the only way to meet people. To make matters worse, leaving our church and getting a divorce meant that our entire social network within our church shunned us, family disowned us and friends chose sides between us. Many only saw the outside of a happy marriage and didn't look at the truth of it's demise, and I didn't want to do any mud slinging to protect my image. I recognize we both had to grow and were operating out of a place of pain. So really, I've been negotiating this world alone. I did meet a great person that turned into an amazing relationship but that didn't work out, so I've mostly been nursing my wounds and feeling basically, like a piece of garbage that is so easily thrown away by so many.

So at this point, I'm really just working hard on myself and my children's happiness. It hasn't been easy, but we are resilient. Finding new ways to connect and help them feel loved and stable sharing two homes. Brushing up on skills and embarking on a new career and seeing where life takes me has been my only sight of hope. I know so many people share similar stories of starting over and that's the only reason I share a very brief version of what happened in my life. I can say that every day is a struggle, but I am determined to be deeply happy, naysayers be damned. I still don't know how to drown out the pain that I feel during quiet moments, but it's something that I am actively working on. I won't have much time to share my home decorations and crafts like I used to love to do here on my blog, but I hope that through writing and finding other pieces of beauty to share, that healing will come in time, for myself and for readers alike.

People ask, if you hadn't left the church, you would still have your marriage, you wouldn't be going through all of this additional hardship. Would you still make the choice if you could to leave? And while that may be true, I would rather live an authentic life of truth. I found out the truth of the church as I was very actively defending it. Through thousands of hours of intense study, prayer and research, I realized I had been lied to and ensnared by a religion I once thought I loved and devoted my whole life to. There is hidden pain in the church that members don't speak of, many don't recognize it because there is a learned repression of cognitive dissonance and fear of spiritual manipulation of losing your eternal family and soul if you question it. So when members *do* discover it, it's an earthshattering pain to realize you have sacrificed your entire life for a huge, hurtful lie... but living under the banner of truth and the ability to finally think for myself... that's worth everything. I am mostly happy that I discovered the truth and escaped the cult before it entangled my children's lives. They were hurt by it too, but in their youth, they are able to heal more quickly. It's been so freeing, painful, but freeing and being free yields a calm peacefulness inside my soul that I never had before. The journey out of the church was difficult, but the inner peace and happiness I feel as a woman of honor and truth replaced any false happiness the church claimed to provide.

Are you a Mormon, a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that is also having questions and deep doubts about it's truth claims and policies that are causing pain to people? Do you want to do your own research? Feel free to contact me and/or visit here. These
sites are all extremely well researched, sincere and not "anti".

 Mormon Think
CES Letter
Ask Reality - I suggest watching his videos 1-8 in that order
BBC Special with Jeffrey R Holland
Cult Education Institute - 10 Signs of a Cult - I read this list as a Mormon and didn't see how what they said was dangerous. After years of heavy research and allowing myself to look at it with a discerning eye, it terrified me to see all the warning signs exist in this religion.

Personal Style: A Family Easter Weekend

 (wearing my mom's vintage dress and some thrifted, red vintage shoes, necklace f 21. love them)

Our Easter weekend was busy and wonderful. Our church (edited to add: I discovered is a lie) had a temple outing and then headed off together for a little bbq and Easter egg hunt, followed by a slide show of everyone. A very lovely, very pleasant, somewhat stressful, very exhausting day. Our Sunday was full of reflections on Christ, chocolate, salsa and naps. I hope everyone's Easter was wonderful!

 

*Linked to: Clothed Much's Rule Breaking Monday

Homefront: Easter Mantel

 It feels like it's been a very long since since a mantel post, but really, it was only since the Valentine's mantel... I've probably changed it already about 4 times since then. But for some reason I only did the Easter mantel today... crazy late for me. I haven't posted a single Easter idea post this year. Here's last years Easter mantel, for reference sake. And though, personally, I'm less of a bright bunny rabbit, chicky Easter type gal, and more of a neutral and lovely, Lettered Cottage Spring decor girl, but I do it for the kids. They just love the holiday mantel changes, and it is growing on me as well.

I got this little big guy for $7.. he's adorable!

I think I've been so excited about seeing the Gregory Brothers/Auto Tune the News/ Schmoyoho for my birthday tonight that I haven't been thinking clearly. It's funny, the last concert I went to was on my 21st bday.

For Easter this year, we are doing a long church activity, complete with a little church field trip to our local temple and do some temple work as well. I really think it's going to be a wonderful experience and will help balance the spiritual side of Easter with the chocolate bunnies, colored eggs and jellybeans side.

 my favorite vintage bunny

 "He is not here, for He has risen, as He said." Matthew 28:6

“In our hour of deepest sorrow, we can receive profound peace from the words of the angel that first Easter morning: ‘He is not here: for he is risen.’”

“As one of His special witnesses on earth today, this glorious Easter Sunday, I declare that this is true, in His sacred name—even the name of Jesus Christ, our Savior—amen.”
—President Thomas S. Monson

Read, watch, or listen to President Monson’s April 2010 conference address “He Is Risen!”
You can also view the list of scriptures referenced in this video.

Faith, Hope and Charity

Jordan River Temple print by Hiya Papaya

While my weekends are usually crazy, aside from my child's little soccer game, most of our weekend was spent watching The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints semi-annual General Conference. Twice a year, in April and October, the members all over the world  gather to listen to our church leaders, who are divinely appointed apostles and prophets speak to us. Their talks are so inspiring, they help us see how to be stronger, better people and issue moments of warning at the same time, yet they are always full of love, hope and sincerity. I always listen intently with much faith and reverance am never disappointed. Not to mention the legendary Mormon Tabernacle choir singing, moves me to tears almost every time.

 together forever print by sugarfresh

I loved the talk by Richard G Scott's. He speaks about his family being together forever and how to strengthen family ties and marriages. Which was so touching to hear as he not only lost his wife recently, but two of his children, one of them as an infant while he was a young man. His little stories of his marital antics are so sweet.

search ponder and pray print by sugarfresh

 Another one of my favorite talks was Jeffrey R. Holland's. He explains what General Conference his and how it is divinely inspired (around the 3 min mark), and how God truly lives and communicates with us today. It was so powerful, but his always are.

Salt Lake City Temple print by katies clicks

Our prophet, President Thomas S. Monson, spoke 5 talks this conference, that can be accessed here. There is also so much love in his voice, and he always has the best stories. I truly have a testimony that he and the other men and women called in these positions in the church are truly inspired by God, and that they communicate His messages. While I know there is a lot of misinformation about our faith in the world, my heart knows of it's truthfulness, and that God truly has a plan for each and every one of us. Past conferences, since 1974 can be seen here.

Fire Flowers

We saw this old overrun home while driving through our neighborhood this weekend. It was in sad shape, then we noticed a gaping hole on the side. After a slight suggestion by my husband, I grabbed my camera and ran out to see the extent of the damage.

I wonder if this home fire was accidental, did a family leave in the night in terror? Or, was it vacant and set fire by arsons/bored teens? Or, perhaps more common, it was a foreclosed home, set ablaze by a desperate family to escape the mortgage/bankruptcy. I am thinking the home was vacant, due to the fire marks and debris. There was a broken down swingset, shed and refrigerator in the backyard. A sad fate for any of the situations.

It was a small and thrilling discovery to see several wildly overgrown rosebushes on the property. I felt a pang of wonderment as how the roses in our rental turned diseased no matter the care we gave them (though they are returning)... yet the ones here that have been left with minimal rain and lack of pruning have thrived. Somehow, they have not been forgotten.

It makes me think... that even in the most desperate of situations, even in torment and the fires of our own personal lives, there will always be a seed of beauty to be gleaned from the experience.

There is a time of pain, but a season of hope. There is a time of destruction, but a season of renewal. There will always be some sort of pain... but always an even greater time of joy. For this, I am thankful for my God, my family, my faith... For I know, there are always good things to come:

... especially since the roses removed from their branches so easily... and fit very nicely into my little vases. May your day be as sweet as fresh cut roses, may good things come your way, may your outlook be one of progress and thankfulness. May you remember that you are not forgotten, that He is mindful of you and loves you.

Live in Thanksgiving Daily

 Well, the Thanksgiving week is upon us, and that means it's time to show my Thanksgiving mantle. I really loved and prefer my crisp white fall mantle, that changed swiftly to the Halloween mantle, and I left a few pieces out for this.  Some may wonder why I excessively change my mantle. Well, it's one of the only surfaces in my home that I have that I can put decor on, and so there it is. Plus, I just love to rearrange and be creative, and I bore easily of seeing the same thing up there too many weeks in a row.

Well, my sis and her 4 boys will be joining my hubs, mom, my 2 boys and myself for the weekend, and we are so happy to see them. Isn't that what Thanksgiving is all about?? Taking the time to reflect on what is important and deciding to make a change to enjoy those things a little more. 

May your pies be yummy, your bellies be stuffed and your homes filled with warmth, love and laughter. I love love love this short little video of learning to see and appreciate those little things, and live in thanksgiving daily:

Here is a cute little video of random people on the streets of New York City sharing a variety of grateful responses to one simple question: What are you thankful for?