Living Authentically



So, where to begin? Last year, I shared with you about the decision to divorce. We went back and forth for months but finally decided it was right, on our 10 year anniversary. Once we left our "church", a whole world of pain and possibilities and regrets opened up into our world. We realized our entire lives were based on a cultish lie and that really does something painful to a person's mindset. We thought we were strong enough to withstand it. But life has a funny way of sweeping you away and forcing you to look straight at the problems, which was especially hard for my husband who ended up going through an early mid-life crisis. It became this unhealthy, traumatic thing that could no longer continue as it unraveled layers of pain. It was a year of immense tragedy. So, it had to end, so that we could both find healing. We both deserve healing.

Trying to figure it out, as a new single mom of 3, how to support my family, how to gain control. Being a stay at home mom for the majority of my adult life gave very little hope of earning potential to do this. I worked three jobs at one point just to be able to move out of my house. I drowned sorrow in the horrific world of dating. We had just moved across the country with zero support system or network in the area and it seemed that was the only way to meet people. To make matters worse, leaving our church and getting a divorce meant that our entire social network within our church shunned us, family disowned us and friends chose sides between us. Many only saw the outside of a happy marriage and didn't look at the truth of it's demise, and I didn't want to do any mud slinging to protect my image. I recognize we both had to grow and were operating out of a place of pain. So really, I've been negotiating this world alone. I did meet a great person that turned into an amazing relationship but that didn't work out, so I've mostly been nursing my wounds and feeling basically, like a piece of garbage that is so easily thrown away by so many.

So at this point, I'm really just working hard on myself and my children's happiness. It hasn't been easy, but we are resilient. Finding new ways to connect and help them feel loved and stable sharing two homes. Brushing up on skills and embarking on a new career and seeing where life takes me has been my only sight of hope. I know so many people share similar stories of starting over and that's the only reason I share a very brief version of what happened in my life. I can say that every day is a struggle, but I am determined to be deeply happy, naysayers be damned. I still don't know how to drown out the pain that I feel during quiet moments, but it's something that I am actively working on. I won't have much time to share my home decorations and crafts like I used to love to do here on my blog, but I hope that through writing and finding other pieces of beauty to share, that healing will come in time, for myself and for readers alike.

People ask, if you hadn't left the church, you would still have your marriage, you wouldn't be going through all of this additional hardship. Would you still make the choice if you could to leave? And while that may be true, I would rather live an authentic life of truth. I found out the truth of the church as I was very actively defending it. Through thousands of hours of intense study, prayer and research, I realized I had been lied to and ensnared by a religion I once thought I loved and devoted my whole life to. There is hidden pain in the church that members don't speak of, many don't recognize it because there is a learned repression of cognitive dissonance and fear of spiritual manipulation of losing your eternal family and soul if you question it. So when members *do* discover it, it's an earthshattering pain to realize you have sacrificed your entire life for a huge, hurtful lie... but living under the banner of truth and the ability to finally think for myself... that's worth everything. I am mostly happy that I discovered the truth and escaped the cult before it entangled my children's lives. They were hurt by it too, but in their youth, they are able to heal more quickly. It's been so freeing, painful, but freeing and being free yields a calm peacefulness inside my soul that I never had before. The journey out of the church was difficult, but the inner peace and happiness I feel as a woman of honor and truth replaced any false happiness the church claimed to provide.

Are you a Mormon, a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that is also having questions and deep doubts about it's truth claims and policies that are causing pain to people? Do you want to do your own research? Feel free to contact me and/or visit here. These
sites are all extremely well researched, sincere and not "anti".

 Mormon Think
CES Letter
Ask Reality - I suggest watching his videos 1-8 in that order
BBC Special with Jeffrey R Holland
Cult Education Institute - 10 Signs of a Cult - I read this list as a Mormon and didn't see how what they said was dangerous. After years of heavy research and allowing myself to look at it with a discerning eye, it terrified me to see all the warning signs exist in this religion.

Aquatic My Way

I have been gone forever! Life has been a hurricane and many times I felt the waves crash over me and pin me down. It knocked me over with such force that I couldn't tell which way was up. I found moments of respite in the eye of the hurricane and in those times, I floated on a life raft and paddled vigorously to keep my head above water, but it only left me parched. Anytime I found dry ground, my feet reached for safe harbor, but then something else would sweep me away as I struggled to keep up, gasping for air. But it was salty. Feeling alone, completely lost at sea, trying to make a difference but getting pulled back in the undertow, I was purely in survival mode. Too many times I struggled to breathe and didn't know how I was going to make it.

 But I'm coming back.

Did you hear me storm?! I always thought I was a strong swimmer, but this has been an endurance test. It's important for my well being to indulge in the therapeutic powers of creative mindfulness. Substance and purpose to enhance my life and those around me. After all, how can I extend a life raft if I can't even hang on to my own? But here, my little island... this helps me create goals, stay focused on lovely things and enhance my soul, so that I can face future storms that I know are coming. Allowing words, and visions of beauty and creation to wash over me. A baptism of growth. I'm ready to take a breath of fresh, crisp air and fill my lungs with a voice again. It's my turn to revel in my inner force of nature. No longer adrift, my compass is set.  I embrace my journey. Join me.

*post title borrowed from 311's  "Brodels"       *image, unkown

Stress Fest

 

You know that kind of stress that grows from within, yet imposes from without, and it pushes and pulls you in all directions... and sometimes it is exciting and fun to see where it will take you, but other times it creates hardship and overwhelming circumstances that you have no idea how to handle, but know that you just have to keep pushing through it, and it will be over with soon... which is both a good thing but a bad thing, so you love the excitement of the unexpected, but feel the sadness and fear of everything else and you are left with a bittersweetness of it all, so not really sure what to do, say or think of it all, but what you do know is that you are overwhelmed and overtired and so not on task...? Well yeah. That is where I am right now. So, now you have the world's longest run-on sentence and a lot of pink, flowers and glitter. Because those make everything better, right?

 



 

 

glittered hanger tutorial via A Bubbly Life

Changes

 Elisabeth (and my mom's) first IKEA experience

Considering making some big ch-ch-ch-ch-changes soon....

Like my hair... ombre, blonde, ginger, dark... ? I've got like 3 inches of regrowth, and some frizz of the universe, so now what? The 'do is in sad, sad shape, which leads me to the next thing.

I'm really looking into going back into the salon after several years hiatus. Exciting, nerve racking, and a really neat opportunity at an awesome place just minutes from me.

Some changes regarding my jewelry... finally in the mood to get organized and with that comes a shift of style and pizazz.

Thinking about donating breastmilk... woah what? I am like a cow right now and it could benefit the sick little babies that need some good ole nourishment. But, how would that work if I go back to work?

*waiting at IKEA'S kids area took for-ever, my boys have been extra clingy lately, which I love*

Hanging curtains in the new house.. really stressful! I got a stencil to see if I can do something note worthy, we shall see. Being on a very, very tight budget is kind of getting old.

Still unpacking, and arranging. Since we share a nursery with dear baby girl, this IKEA idea with the curtain partition was downright awesome. Oh, how to make it work in our space? We have that same crib.

And some other pesky life things that aren't really bloggable, but very much weigh heavily on the mind.

perplexus

Purging and Clarity

simplify via homegrown hospitality

With all the losing photos, morning sickness, fatigue and all, I got way behind blogging. And now, I can't get my camera too load pics or work half the time, it's always one thing after another, isn't it? But people, I am due with my little baby girl in 3 WEEKS! And we still don't have a name for her. Hubs is stuck on one, and one day I love it and the next day it gives me a sour face just thinking about it. So... for anyone who asks about a name, I'm sure you will all be just as surprised as I will be on what it is.

free simplify printable, marjorie pay hinckly quote via it works for bobbi

Right now, I'm in a major purging mood. I feel like clutter and junk, and my dog's smelly skin particles, and the smelly rotting wood from the bathroom cabinets (dang rental) are just like sticking to me and I can't breathe. Pretty major clutter anxiety meltdown here. (And no, it's not totally nesting, I've been feeling this way for a looong time!) If I could just dump about 75% of my belongings and furniture in a box and haul it off and gets lots of money, I would be thrilled, and would in all honesty, probably not miss a single thing. But when I get down into the organizing, I have a hard, HARD time figuring out what to do with it all.

 how to yard sale, for buyers and sellers via nester

We could use the cash a garage sale, or craigslist/ebay whatever would merit, but with a barely working camera and the major headache of a garage sale and a husband who works most Saturdays lately and a broken down truck in the driveway.... I don't know if it's even worth it. I did sale some furniture already, (though I deeply regret selling this chair)... but I really need new couches (and to repair that dang truck) and so the money, even if not much sounds great. So, I know it will either be a garage sale, or I am calling up a charity to come and haul off tons and tons of boxes and can only hope that we could get a decent tax write off.

  declutter list via little lucy lu

Since I'm clearly not in the right frame of mind for decision making, I'm off to see what I can part with and throw them all in boxes! These helpful and simple declutter tactics and this awesome post on 99 ways to simplify life with kids are giving me some strength! I want to live more simply, a "tiny life", in a organized and refreshing atmosphere that doesn't stress me out every time I open a cabinet door looking for a cake pan, and tons of old pots and such fall on my toe.

Memories

My husband went out of town for a week for a business trip... and everything went wrong! The garage door broke, the boys were crazy, major fatigue set in... but even worse, my computer crashed for the whole entire week. (Though I DID get a lot of cleaning done!) When we got it back, all of our pictures were totally wiped out. I had been backing them up on an external hard drive, but apparently the last 2 years of photos hadn't been backing up like I though they were.

Through a lot of trial and error, we were able to get SOME back... for free! We were told by hp it would cost at least $100 for them to even try, and the geek squad and other places quoted us a lot more. But my husband did some google searching and found a program Recuva you can download that got them back. It only took about 2 entire days, but now we have them. Unfortunately, the recovered ones are most of what we had already saved, or ones I had already blogged. Some of my absolute favorite newer photos are still totally gone. About 8 thousand photos that we never took or have ever even seen before, like random logos, arrows, borders, color gradients, facebook pictures of people we don't even know and that sort of thing. So it is took a very long time to sort through them. We plan on getting an automatic online backup like Carbonite that should help in the future.

 

 

It made me really sad, because all this time I have been editing and saving pics for the blog and other sites, but I have failed to do the ones that matter to me the most... my family! I had just finished edited and organizing a few hundred family pictures, but didn't back them up. I keep seeing the images of my little guy in is homemade ghost costume for Christmas, or the boys playing soccer and their adorable little faces, a photo of me 'scolding' my oldest, and him rolling his eyes at me (hilarious), or the pictures of our family by the lake during Christmas time (which we totally lost).. then I thought about my family blog and how I haven't updated it in over a year!

I tend to be the type of person who, if I skip posting about Halloween, I think, I need to do it before Thanksgiving... then before you know it, Christmas has passed and I never updated because I could never update things that late or out of order. I do the same thing with my journal. Well, now I know better... I am really going to try and focus on not only making those memories, but keeping them alive, and not drowned in some hard drive to be lost somewhere. And, I am going to try and focus more on making memories with my kids, than on missing old photos with them. I've come to realize that is why those photos were so important to me, because I haven't been doing as well of a job in being there for them right now. So, apparently, I have got a looooot to work on.

Personal Style: Blue vs Gray Manifesto

madewell

Say Yes to Hoboken did a say no to jeans campaign earlier this year. I don't think it's that hard right now with the soaring heat to be wary of jeans, but being a fall kind of gal, that's attracted to simple, comfortable lines and colors (namely, gray and camel) I am still in love with the following outfits she chose as inspiration.

shirt: abercrombie   dress: kohls  necklace: handmade by me

I wore a blue maxi dress the other day that got lots of compliments, but when I took pics for my outfit post, it just didn't feel right. Getting out of the car in the long lengths of soft drapey fabric, didn't feel right. Having a lacey empire waist... didn't feel right. I've been feeling that way for a while now. I'm just not cut out of bright colorful cloth or long flowy things, or cute rolled capris, or partial tucked blouses that are the fashion rage. I may love it on you, but not on me. Maybe it's my coloring, or my petite, apple shape and chicken legs that just doesn't work well. 6 years ago with a 20 inch waist, I could do some of it... not now. So, instead of trying to dress differently or more fashion forward, I'm going to retreat into my soothing grey vnecks for a while. Maybe even pair one with my faux leather leggings for a fashion kick, (or those awesome madewll pants above) but being more true to my style none the less.

 

madewell

I love this... reminds me of Elaine's awkwardly adorable long skorts.

 via pintrest

Do you have some sort of dressing manifesto to be the real you? I'm not talking about giving up altogether and wearing pjs and sweatpants or horrible 80's tapered jeans and tweety bird t-shirts~ but what are some styles you decided to say 'no' or 'yes' to, while still feeling beautiful and comfortable?

Fire Flowers

We saw this old overrun home while driving through our neighborhood this weekend. It was in sad shape, then we noticed a gaping hole on the side. After a slight suggestion by my husband, I grabbed my camera and ran out to see the extent of the damage.

I wonder if this home fire was accidental, did a family leave in the night in terror? Or, was it vacant and set fire by arsons/bored teens? Or, perhaps more common, it was a foreclosed home, set ablaze by a desperate family to escape the mortgage/bankruptcy. I am thinking the home was vacant, due to the fire marks and debris. There was a broken down swingset, shed and refrigerator in the backyard. A sad fate for any of the situations.

It was a small and thrilling discovery to see several wildly overgrown rosebushes on the property. I felt a pang of wonderment as how the roses in our rental turned diseased no matter the care we gave them (though they are returning)... yet the ones here that have been left with minimal rain and lack of pruning have thrived. Somehow, they have not been forgotten.

It makes me think... that even in the most desperate of situations, even in torment and the fires of our own personal lives, there will always be a seed of beauty to be gleaned from the experience.

There is a time of pain, but a season of hope. There is a time of destruction, but a season of renewal. There will always be some sort of pain... but always an even greater time of joy. For this, I am thankful for my God, my family, my faith... For I know, there are always good things to come:

... especially since the roses removed from their branches so easily... and fit very nicely into my little vases. May your day be as sweet as fresh cut roses, may good things come your way, may your outlook be one of progress and thankfulness. May you remember that you are not forgotten, that He is mindful of you and loves you.